can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
