If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
