quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
