A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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