I just threw up on my dentist
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
