Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
