i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
