Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
