Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize