Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
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