party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
