Pants 0. Shit 1.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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