saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
