we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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