i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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