I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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