I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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