I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
