You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
