I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
