I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
