Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
