meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
