All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize