I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize