that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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