Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
