If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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