before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
