I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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