I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
