it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
