There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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