I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
