I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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