i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
