I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
