I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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