She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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