last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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