Where is the hickey?
I think I died a long time ago.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
