I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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