He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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