My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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