Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
