someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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