Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
