i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
