If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize