I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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