The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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