I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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