very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
