I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize