Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
