you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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