Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just googled if crying burns calories
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
