The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize