do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
