You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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